Shikamaru Nara's Guide to Women
by strangebeautiful
Summary: Shikamaru deicides to invest all of his knowledge of women into a easy-to-read handbook. Titled 'Shikamaru Nara's Guide to Women', it rivals 'Icha Icha Paradise' in romance and humor. ShikaOC. LEMON.


This one is written in Shikamaru's point of view and it's something i've never done before. Considering that he's male... :)

Shikamaru decides to use his vas amount of knowledge to write a 'Guide to Women'.

ShikaOC. Lemon. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Shika's not mine. If he was however, I'd probably make him marry Temari or Ino. Still haven't decided which one makes the better couple.

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_Sigh__...I used to really want to be just an average ninja making an average living... Marry a regular girl whose not super pretty, or super ugly, have two kids, a girl and then a boy... Retire when my daughter got married and my son successfully became a ninja...and then just spend the rest of my life playing Shogi or Go, a carefree and leisurely retirement...dying of old age before my wife...that's the life I wanted... And yet I ended up exerting myself...so unlike me...even though I wanted to reach the end of my life like a regular guy... I had to go and get myself into this tiresome situation..._

With that being said, I'm introducing my new book, 'Shikamaru Nara's Guide to Women'. I can happily say that this book rivals with Jiraiya's Icha Icha Paradise in popularity and it has a 'thumbs up' approval rating from Hatake Kakashi. In my book, you will find an answer to every troublesome situation and what exactly makes women smile. I, Shikamaru Nara, am offering it to you at a special price of 10 Dollars if you buy now. Along with this special offer, comes a sneak peak and the top tips of my best-selling novel.

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It seemed like the TV was watching me as I lay comfortably across the couch of my apartment. My hands behind my head and my feet propped up against the arm of it. A loud bang was heard from the front door and a sigh escaped my lips. _How troublesome..._

I lazily swung my feet over the couch and onto the floor. Sighing loudly I walked toward the living room door and opened it before my girlfriend knocked it down in anger. This is routine for me. Ren would come home from work, exhausted and tired and use her chakra-powered strength to brake down our door. The next day, she would start to complain about the broken door and threaten me to fix it. But when I opened the door, I saw a girl who looked like she really_ was_ have the worst day of her life. The blonde hair that should be peacefully settled at her shoulders were sweaty and matted, sticking up at the sides. Her lips had the worst stone-set frown and her eyes were similar to the blank stare of Gaara's. That's not a very good sign.

_If you see her and she looks like a mess, chances are that she's fully aware of her horrible appearance. Is it up to you to point that up to her? Of course not. But don't try to ignore it either, instead ask her if everything's okay. And in most cases, if she's crying, you better be ready to beat up the person that did it to her. _

In this case, you would think asking her what's wrong would make her feel better? Nope. Tried that. What would usually happen, is that she'll storm out of the room, saying that no one understands her. So here's what you do, hold her and don't say _anything._

Another sigh left my lips as I pulled Ren into my chest, resting my head against the top of hers.

"It's sok. I'm here." I whispered in her ear as the damn broke. Tears ran down her face and small sobs escaped her lips. I felt arms weave themselves around my waist and little hands make fist balls out of the back of my shirt. I gently rubbed her back as her crying began to cease.

"Shika-kun..." Now let's just take a slight pause her.

_Girls feel that because you're her boyfriend, that she has a right to your clothes. Let her feel like she does. The clothes that she will take/borrow from you will most likely be your hoodies/sweaters or personal jewelry (like maybe a necklace that you usually wear). So hide your good sweaters and your favorite chain away from her. It's for your own good. They also feel like they could give you cute little nicknames. Let her feel like she can._

Okay, let's proceed with the story. She slightly leaned back to look me in the eyes. "I had such a hard day at work. The patients won't even _listen_ to me." I nodded in understanding and gave her a cute kiss on the forehead. Girls love stuff like that. I gently wiped the tears from her cheeks and eyes and gave her a small smirk.

"How about we go out for dinner? To get your mind off of work." Ren smiled and nodded, giving me a quick peck on the lips and dashed off to our bedroom. Distraction, in this case, is the best solution to soothing a crying girl. Other situations might actually need cuddling. And remember to never complain when your legs start to go numb. Just make her switch legs every few minutes and never show pain on your face. Women need not know how we struggle.

Looking back at the couch, I looked at it in envy. It could just stay there, having a great time being still while I had to keep my girlfriend happy. Why did I choose this kind of life again...? Oh right. I love her. Forgot about that.

I grabbed my wallet and sighed. My 20 dollars was at risk just because my girlfriend had a crying fit. Poor guy never had a chance. Eh, but it's okay. Unless I screw this up and she makes me sleep on the couch. I threw on my Chuunin jacket and waited for me to come downstairs and let's just say, I wasn't disappointed. Every time I see her, she takes my breath away and it still hasn't changed. The previously messy blonde hair now hung down with a slight curve down to her shoulders. _[Random Rant: I really don't understand how they do it. It is some sort of jutsu that changes the complete volume in the hair? I'll go ask Asuma about it later.] _She completed it with a dark blue dress that left a lot of room for imagination. It showed a little cleavage and part of her thigh. I really hate when she does this. She grinned magically as her arm magnetically attached itself to mine.

Two words: Arm Candy. You probably already know what this means. Its one of the things girls do so they feel like you belong to her and you should completely let her believe that. I compare this situation to a good game of Shoji. When the opponent steals one of your pieces, you have to reach the other side of the board to get it back. Therefore, the best way to get your arm back is to distract her with something else; either with some other form of affection (holding her hand or wrapping your arm around her waist) or keep your arm occupied, either by offering to help her carry something or run your hand through your hair... in a manly way.

But I let her abuse my arm, since she looked so beautiful. How troublesome... women always get what they want because of looks. Sigh.

"Ready?" She asked with a gleam in her eyes. Everything about her was so exotic. I'm what people would call a bastard to not take advantage of a body like that. But I actually love her... and animalistic sex would leave her in poor condition. I stared into her eyes and made a step closer, knowing that she loves it when I invade her personal space. She stood her watching my lips as my finger tilted her chin up while I pecked her lips. The taste filled my senses but I held back the urge to take her to my room now and 'make good use of her'. I sighed as I let her go. Always leave her with her breath taken away. I watched her with a smirk as she opened her eyes in shock and looked around to see where she was.

"Yeah." My hand nestled on the small of her back as we walked outside to the diner. A minute into it and we heard a whistle. A groan left my lips as I smelt the strong scent of alcohol.

"Hey baby, why you don't c-come over here and talk with m-meh?" A slurred drunken voice yelled a block away from us. Ren leaned further into me as I reassured her and told her that he'll leave us alone. The man made a loud cough and continued. "Oh sorry. Didn't know you had a fucking chicken as a boyfriend." That struck a nerve in me and the only thing keeping me from murder was the fact that I would have to leave Ren alone to kill him. Sure, she's perfectly capable of defending herself but I think it's a matter of my pride being shaken if she got hurt. Haha, I sound like a damn Uchiha.

"Leave us alone." I wrapped a strong arm around my girlfriend and jumped upwards, deciding traveling by rooftop is faster anyway. A relieved sigh left Ren's perfect lips and she smiled at me.

"Thanks for that." We jumped down in front of the restaurant. Her hand found mine and held hers securely.

"For what?"

"Not leaving me to kill the drunk." I rolled my eyes at how easily she read my mind and brushed past the crowd with a beautiful girl in tow. Soon a waiter came and seated us to

What happened at the restaurant is completely boring and an unnecessary story to be told. However, even though you and I both know that I really didn't want to go anyway, I still have to make sure that she believes that I did. This includes talking to her, listening to what she says, responding with more than 'Mmhmm's' and 'Yeahs', then paying for the dinner, kissing her and walking her home.

Now here's the interesting part.

I had resumed to my spot on the couch, with the remote in my hand and my feet propped up on the table in front of me. Just went I felt the welcome signs of sleep come, I heard footsteps coming from the bedroom. Opening my eyes, I saw a sight that could be put in my top 10 sexy scenes. Ren had changed into one of my t-shirts, that was obviously too big for her, which openly displayed those long creamy legs and the top of my cleavage.

To top off the look, Ren settled herself lying across the couch, with those amazing legs lying across my lap. From this view, I can see her calves but most importantly her thighs that weren't being covered by the t-shirt. Glimpses from her underwear could also be seen and all thoughts of going to sleep had escaped my mind.

Women don't understand that some of the little things they do appear very inviting and they yell at you for being perverted. What they don't understand is that is really is their fault from the very beginning. In these situations, you could either let yourself suffer or you can make a move. If you want to get some action, the best thing to do is to 'unintentionally' get her aroused.

This would probably be the part where the lucky bastard takes 'advantage' with the sexy nurse. But I wouldn't call this taking advantage, just taking up a beautiful opportunity and turning it into something very – very entertaining. This is the part of the story that you've been waiting for.

Parts 1 of Plan: _Let her know what you want._

Taking the opportunity, I gently began a tickling attack started from her feet and going up her calves.

"Shika... stop." The warning was clear but the smile on her face told me that I was getting closer and closer to her tickle spot. A smirk appeared on my lips as my plan set into action. Being a great analyzer comes in handy sometimes.

Her giggles turned into laughs as my tickling fingers reached the inside of her knees. I stayed there for a second and that's when she started to fight.

"Shika! No!" She screamed happily and began to kick her legs away from my fingers but I used my elbow to keep her legs down. Now you ask why I would do this right. Well, for one, as she would start to kick her legs, the shirt would ride up and I would get a great view of her creamy thighs and panties. Ren, being the smart woman that she was, saw my face turn from playful to sexily dangerous as my hands reached the back of her thighs. Just as I had planned, we were in a compromising position with me kneeling between her legs, her under me panting with her hands on my shoulders to push me away and my hands under the middle of my thighs.

I smirked as part 2 of my plan came into action.

Part 2 of Plan: _Get her hot._

I leaned over her slightly and her once playful eyes turned into nervousness. My hands began a torturingly slow pace of brushing my palms up and down the back of her thighs. A blush started to cloud her face and I watched her eyes amused as she stared at the tent in my pants. Good, now she knows exactly what I want.

My body now leaned completely over her with my hands still rubbing the soft flesh. Our crotches met and I felt her resolve start to shake.

"Shika-kun. No, stop." My brown eyes bore down into her blue ones as I started a slow grinding motion while my hands became dangerously close to her ass. A sigh left my lips as I felt a slight relief from the motion. Ren, on the other hand bit her lip to deprive me of her sweet moans and when she tried to back herself further into the couch, my hands found her ass and squeezed.

"But Ren, you like this... Right?" A strangled moan left her closed lips as I made another grinding motion. She shook her head and my hands squeezed her ass into my groin. Delicious friction too. I feel like this is about the time when women reach the peak of their beauty. When they're beneath you [or on top, whichever you prefer] and are moaning so beautifully. And I intend to do just that.

I leaned down into her restrained face and captured her lips with mine. Never letting up with my 'abusive' hands, I gently eased her mouth from its closed state. As her mouth opened into mine, I felt a little of her objection break and a light moan left her lips.

Now that she's given in. There's only one last part to the plan.

Part 3 of Plan: _Keep her hot and happy._

Her hands went from my shoulders to my chest and I playfully pushed myself against her hands and smirked down at her. She gave me a playful innocent look as her slowly unzipped my Chuunin jacket, throwing it in some random corner of the room. Now it was her time to tease. And how do I know? Her eyes turned from playfully innocent to dangerous as her sexy legs wrapped around my waist and she pushed herself against me. My head fell forward and I groaned in her ear, earning another shudder from the blonde beneath me. Hands tugged at my turtleneck shirt.

"This pant needs to come off." I happy obliged and that shit was thrown across the room. Her hot hands ran across my chest as my hands skillfully snuck under her shirt. She gasped and bit her lip again as I rubbed her sides.

"Ah, Sh-shika-kun." I finally got the moan that I wanted and I felt myself get even harder, if it was possible. My fingers ripped the bra in half, not even bothering with trying to unhook that horrible excuse for clothing. That would be for a time when I have patience. I sighed contently as I got to feel the amazing tits hidden behind the now destroyed bra. Cold air passed by my legs and I realized that Ren had torn off my pants and now grabbed my ass.

"You're going too slow." She smirked and playfully whined in my ear. A growl passed through my lips and now her shirt [well mine] was torn in half and now thrown across the top of the TV.

"Sshh. All I want to hear from you are moans, screams and my name." I whispered in her ear as my hands massaged her boobs. My fingers played and rolled her nipples and I was greeted with heavy breathing and contented sighs. I moved down her body, my still clothed cock brushing against her leg. We both moaned at the contact and I fought myself not to take her right then and there.

I kissed my way down her neck, sucking and nibbling on certain spots gave made her squirm under me. Going further down to her tits, I gently kissed the side of it and heard another whine from her. Her fingers found home in my hair and she tried to push my head toward her nipple. I smirked and pulled away.

"Behave Ren." She pouted and I continued my torture. I kissed the sides of her left breast and massaged the other with my hand, earning sexy pleas from Ren. Finally my lips met with her nipple and I playfully licked and sucked it into my mouth. Ren's gasped and fought to control her breathing as my other hand retreated her breast and traveled down her stomach. I could tell she was losing her sanity. While I continued to suck her tit, my hand would rub at her inner thighs and cause her to try and grind my hips against my hand. I left go of her tit and leaned upwards to whisper in her ear.

"Shh. Just a little more torture." At the same moment I cupped her sex and a shiver ran up my back as she moaned sweetly in my ear. By now, the erection was becoming unbearable and it was trying to convince me that Ren was already begging for it. My finger made circles around her clit through her panties and she arched her back and whined.

"I want... need you. Please." She moaned directly in her ear and I'm sure she felt the jump in my pants. With both of my labored breathing, I snuck my hand inside her panties and made a trail down, sliding my finger into her. She was already so wet and just touched shook parts of my resolve. Her walls gripped at my finger and I found it hard to breathe. Ren sensed how much I was fighting myself and slipped her hand inside my boxers.

"No Ren, not yet." I said in a weak tone but was too weak to fight her off. Soft fingers wrapped around me and I groaned in her ear.

"Mm Shika. I want this." She stroked me and I found myself slightly humping into her hand. When her hand reached down to cup my balls, I had had enough. Her underwear was ripped apart in seconds and she had tore off my boxers at the same time.

"I can't take this anymore. God you're so sexy." I moaned sexily in her ear and she responded with a tight squeeze before letting me go. Panting, I lined myself up with hers and prepared myself for the wet heat, but she [being the impatient woman she is] grabbed my ass and pushed myself inside of her. My mind blanked and for a few seconds I forgot where I was and what I was doing.

This happens every time I'm making love to her. It's like all sense of reason and logic escapes me and I only thing I can recognize, as a part of my body is what she is touching. Everything I do, has a basis of logic to it, but its times like these where let my mind go blank. Giving in the sound of her sweet moans and labored breathing. It becomes almost unbearable. My skin was becomes alive when her hands grip at my shoulders, the soft skin that my hand

"Harder!" She yelled and I snuck my arms beneath her and raised her so that we were in a sitting position, with her sitting on top of me, fully impaling my cock. My hands found her hips and I lifted her up and down. Her head fell back and she bit her lip, grabbing my shoulders and continuing what I started. Ren rested her forearms on my shoulders and started a circular grinding motion with me following.

My hips rocked upwards to meet with hers and she screamed. I smirked and kissed her neck.

"What happened babe? Did I hit a certain spot?" And before she could respond, I thrusted upwards, hitting the same spot. I shivered as she responded by tightening herself around me and moaning loudly.

"Mm. Your such a tease!" We began a steady motion, with me hitting her sweet spot in every thrust. I chuckled in her ear and bit back the groan that threatened to spill out as she shoved me harder.

"I'm the tease?" My hand reached down to play with her clit as I felt how close she was. Her moans got louder and the way her pussy was sucking me was unbearable. I wouldn't last much longer. Ren tilted her head forward and moaned in an entirely sexy voice.

"Your gonna make me cum."

My balls tightened and I held myself back. I brought her face to mine and kissed her passionately.

"Then cum." She exploded with a scream and spasmed around me. The tightness got even tighter as she became milking me. I couldn't take it anymore and I groaned in her ear, releasing my cum inside her and panting loudly. After a while, I pulled out and we both collapsed on the couch, with her on top of me.

Cuddling. We may not like it so much but women apparently do. To avoid a troublesome situation where she gets mad at you, comply with her and lay there. If she's on top of you, stay like that until you go numb, then you can slightly switch her to a slightly less numb limb. It's not so hard once you try it.

Exhausted, I picked her up and carried her to our bedroom. Collapsing on the bed with her still on top of me and pulled the covers over the both of us. Just when I felt sleep come to me once again, a fully awake Ren started to kiss my neck.

"Babe..." I moaned tiredly. You would think she had enough right?

"Hmm?" Ren expertly placed her leg in between mine and rubbed her thigh against my now semi-hard cock. Her slightly tired grin had a certain sexiness to it and I found myself thinking in her favor. "I think I'm ready for Round 2." I laughed and flipped so that I was now hovering over her.

"So troublesome."

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